Monday, March 23, 2020

Sanity-Saving Window On The World

Starting to feel cooped up yet? Despair not. Actually, nevermind that, go ahead and despair. It only gets worse and the Kung-Flu-demic doesn't look like it's going to end any time real soon.

When the weather's really nasty with blowing snow and bitter cold, being stuck inside isn't so bad. You get a sense of shelter. Kinda cozy, really. But when it's nice? 'Suck' comes to mind. 

I've been stuck inside for unreasonably long periods. It's like living on a submarine only the food's worse. Here's one thing that that's made self-quarantining more tolerable.

Find a webcam and a spare computer and screen. The particulars of each don't matter as long as it all works together.

Put the webcam in a window and point it outside. Now, put the monitor somewhere you'll always be able to see it, fire up the computer and display the webcam output on the monitor.

I've had something similar set up at my desk for maybe 15 years. It makes my world a little bit bigger. I don't feel so isolated. 

Bonus tip: If you get really bored, swap the positions of the camera and monitor. You might  even be able to sell tickets.

Marketing to Mark Made Simple

Mark looks for online piano lessons.
Mark sees video of cute little blonde with big boobs suggesting flowkey.
Mark immediately checks out flowkey.

Would this face lie?

Mark really needs to get out more often.

Sunday, March 22, 2020

Providing Comfortable Torture

Below is a photo of a torture device used by Russian occupiers of Port Arthur (now Lushun) on Japanese and Korean (and maybe the odd Chinese for good measure) prisoners in the early 1900's.

What struck me was the head cushion. How thoughtful! 

Sunday, March 15, 2020

Coronavirus Go Away

Sunday night and I've heard way more than enough about Coronavirus/COVID-19, so I decide to get a little piano keyboard practice in and what do I get?

The 'CDC' refers to notes, not the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 

And as an aside, how can they have more than one center?

Friday, March 13, 2020

The Nose Knows

Here she is!

Her Window On The World

Dora is very self-conscious of her nose. I keep telling her it makes her look distinctive.

I'm torn whether to get her help for her self-esteem or for me talking to my cats - and imagining they talk back.

Thursday, March 12, 2020

Bureaucratic Humor

I just heard an interesting term. According to unnamed sources, Spread Pay... 

' a payroll option that takes the projected fiscal year salary or payroll and divides it by the number of projected pay periods (normally 26 pay periods per year).'

Which is exactly the first thing I thought of.

Thursday, March 5, 2020

The Thermometer Makes The Man. Or Not.

Oh, happy day. I got an electronic oven thermometer. A few years back I was dating a young lady and during her inspection of my kitchen she asked if I had an oven thermometer. I could probably draw in great detail the look of utter disappointment on her face when I rather blithely admitted to not having an oven thermometer. What a Neandertal. I miss her still. But that's not why I finally got one.

I used to have an oven thermometer, an analog type. It got greasy and I ended up tossing it. One of the few cooking tips my mother passed on was when in doubt, cook at 350°. Farenheit, of course. So 350 it was. The number was on the oven dial. Who needed a thermometer?

Recently I decided to clean my kitchen range. If that sounds like it hadn't been cleaned in a while, you're right. First thing I did was pop off the knobs and went to work with some CLR.

You probably guessed that all the numbers on the oven knob came off. And darned if I can find a replacement that fits.  So I broke down and got the thermometer. It even has Bluetooth so now I can check the temperature of my oven from anywhere in Der Bunker. (Why does the app want access to my location? No.) 

If She ever comes back I think She'll approve. Yes, I'm kidding myself, she left because I'm a jackass.  But now I'm a jackass with a really spiffy oven thermometer. 

Losing My Marbles, And Loving It...Mostly

Dementia used to be called senility. If this is senility then I'm going to have an effing blast. Woe to anyone who has to take care of me.

I heard a really dumb joke a few weeks ago, goes like this: How do you shoe a horse? Answer? You wave your arms around and yell at the horse 'Shoo! Shoo!'

Here's the problem. It still makes me giggle like a little girl. Usually the nerves in a person's funnybone get saturated and stop responding after a while. Not mine. 

I was watching a program about forestry management in Japan. (That's kinda' funny right there.) These dudes and dudettes walk around with mapping laser units on their backs and map the forests. Pretty cool, actually.  But the first thing that came to mind was that they were doing...tree-d mapping. 

Taken with the accent it cracks me up. 

Maybe it's a psychological defense mechanism of some sort. My dreams and random thoughts as I lie in bed have turned morbid. Embarrassing or painful memories are surfacing more often and more persistently. Maybe things have quieted down inside of me enough to hear the distant echoes I've been pushing down all these years. Who knows?

I'd end this with another 'joke' but suddenly my funnybone is numb. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

Older But Not Funnier

I want to take an online Spanish language course. That way I can learn at my own pesos.

Yeah, I actually wasted an entire blog post just for that.